Almost everything is new for kids between the ages of 3 and 10. Until they become familiar with common life experiences, anything new is a potential threat. Parents have plenty of stories about their child’s intense reactions to basic tasks like going to school or sleeping in their own bed. These moments are confusing for parents who know they’re supposed to help, but aren’t sure how.
It’s hard to underestimate the importance of parents at this stage of their child’s life. Rudolf Dreikurs describes a parent as “a sieve, which filters life experiences in amounts which the child can meet”. When it comes to anxiety, parents help their kids experience and approach situations that make them anxious in manageable doses. They learn to accurately assess risk, and approach situations that are unfamiliar.
Some parents are more sensitive to risk than others. These parents are quick to offer accommodations or support. Other parents less sensitive to risk feel comfortable encouraging their kids to try new things. Both styles provide for their kids’ needs, have their strengths, and have their weaknesses. Accommodations can be offered too soon, and stifle a child’s attempts at exercising their independence. Encouragement towards independence can become rigid, and expectations unrealistic. Your child will inevitably challenge your natural tendency at some point. The good news for everyone is that it gets easier with practice (just like your kids!).
Just like parents, every child also has a different sensitivity to risk. Are they the daredevil that never seemed concerned about heights or their physical limitations? Or are they more likely to consider their options on the sidelines before joining in play? Parenting your child when they feel anxious involves helping your child decide which risks feel worthwhile. Kids learn this through experience. Parents help by setting expectations, and helping their kids meet these expectations.
It’s important to establish two foundations before considering the ways you’ll respond when your child feels anxious. The first is that your kids should know, fundamentally, that you love them and want the best for them. There must be trust and safety within the relationship. The second is to ensure their basic needs are met. Stress and anxiety are intensified when kids are sleep deprived or hungry. They are ready to learn when their needs for survival and safety are met. Sometimes, the fix for anxiety is a snack.
To start, consider the kinds of situations that are likely to make your child anxious. These normally (but not only) involve unfamiliar, novel, or independent situations. How do you expect them to respond? Will the intensity of their stress be low, medium, or high? Do this prior to the situation, and rely on your knowledge of your child. This limits the surprise you experience when these situations occur and your child feels anxious about them. When you stay regulated like this, you can choose to use one- or a mix- of the following tools: prepare, co-operate, encourage, accommodate.
Preparation involves doing something ahead of the unfamiliar situation that helps your child know about what to do when they are in it. For example, the process of going through customs at the airport for the first time can be practiced at home. The family pretends to go through the scanner, put their bags on the conveyor belt, and boards the plane. Video and pictures can also help give kids advanced notice of the experience. Preparation does not need to be long or extensive either. A fast conversation with two or three concrete instructions about what to expect can be more than enough for a child to feel good about a new situation.
Co-operate is approaching an unfamiliar situation so your child wants to engage in it even though it feels scary. Play can do wonders for this. “I Spy” is always available, and can be used to build familiarity in the unfamiliar. An impromptu scavenger hunt can also encourage a child to explore a new place. Another tactic is giving your child a responsibility to help them navigate the situation. They learn to notice what’s around them, to take action when necessary, and that you (or another safe adult) are there to guide them. The best part is there are no power struggles, because your kids want the same things you do!
Encouragement is using your words and actions to communicate your belief in your child’s ability to meet the challenge they are faced with. It also means the challenge or expectation remains firm. This can include inviting your child to try something again, or try their hardest for a limited number of attempts. In doing so, you’re giving your child the experience of stretching themselves and learning their capabilities. Sometimes encouragement is doing nothing as your child attempts something new. Either way, the sense of accomplishment is noticeable when your child recognizes they did something new and unfamiliar for the first time.
Accommodation is changing an expectation or challenge so it is more realistic for a child. This may involve scaling challenge down to a manageable level. You find the right balance between comfort and difficulty. A child may hesitate to try the monkey bars, but they may be willing to just climb the ladder. Another form of accommodation is to increase your involvement. A child may be more willing to do the monkey bars if their parent holds them. If your help is needed, offer as little help as necessary, and ensure the challenge is completed with your child.
Helping your child manage anxiety tests your tolerance for worry as much as it tests theirs, so take courage. Perfection is not the goal. You will attempt to use a tool, and it will not be the right one for the situation. That’s okay. Remember, everything is in service to developing your child’s risk assessment skills. When you have those skills as your north star, it will guide your decisions about the types of experiences your child can manage.